It was damned nice today. The sun was up while I walked in to college and there were occasional piles of large hail stones, remnants from another storm I slept through. I looked up all the way there, smiled and thought ‘Today is going to be great, I believe it’
I shouldn’t have changed. Those days when looking down at the ground, and occasional dog mess, were better. The days where a day in bed was the only bearable activity. Ok I was miserable and depressed all the time, but at least I wasn’t an inane optimist. At least nothing shocked me. At least life didn’t mean anything.
I didn’t wake up one morning and love myself. I don’t because I don’t feel for myself that way. ‘It’s not me… it’s just me’ I do however love others. The only passion and love I feel is for my family, friends and girlfriend. But this is enough. The world has color now. A very dark hue.
But today something changed. I woke up, as I mentioned, and was literally excited. I have a cold, not the worst I’ve had, but the headaches are bad. Not phased a bit. All I could think about walking was the line from Austin powers Goldmember – ‘If you’ve got an issue, here’s a tissue’
Then my friend casually told me about the fast growing lump on his testicle he has ignored for months out of fear of doctors. My mind lit up for a few minutes. Ok testicular cancer, what do we know. Brain – GO!
Ok… Stigma, drugs exacerbate it, treatable, if left too late prognosis is basically death. My friend might die. Ok, not a good start to the day.Or the month. Or, if things are bad, the year. But I still have some control. I can drag him to the doctors, he still has a great chance – it probably isn’t even cancerous, and if it is he might still have a chance!
Despite every thought entering of the situation, I stayed positive. I worried, but I didn’t withdraw like I used to. I didn’t feel the sudden urge to write in a blog because my feelings were too difficult to express.
Then I get home. Well, I say home, more like lonely depressing hovel. But It could be worse. Tonight, it got worse. During my ‘happy hour’ (back to back comedies etc to keep me on an even keel) I got a call. Girlfriends dad is dying. I’ll spare the details but this man is amazing. And he has been through more in the past year than most have in a lifetime. And soon, perhaps very soon, he will die of something completely different.
I don’t know what the point of this is. There is no beginning, middle and end. I don’t like morals or stories. To be frank, they annoy me a great deal. Life is life, and this was a true little cross section of mine.
Have a nice day, laptop.