It’s nothing.

Where am I?
The event horizon of a black hole is the best analogy for a relapse in depression. You have the emotive darkness, the physical restraint of light and the point of no return. If there was a mathematical equation for depression it would follow a similar line. We are not special in this regard. We follow the same chemical rules as anything else.

How we are special, however, is in the ability to self-regulate this process. What is so inspiring about the human condition is the level of damage that can be done before we break.

For example, if I wanted to kill myself, what would be the process from this feeling to actually doing it? Firstly, I would feel gradually worse in my mental condition. My vision would cease to register bright, vibrant colour, instead relaying a grey hue to my visual cortex. My smell and taste would follow suite, food would nourish with a sickening and bland aftertaste. Energy would decrease substantially with more time being spent sleeping and less moving and acting.

Finally, thoughts would be mainly negative and fixated on subjects which anyone would usually avoid. Death, decay, mortality, paranoia and self-consciousness. I personally may fixate on philosophy. What were once positive, inspired beliefs would be twisted. People become a swirl of ugly mess. I become less for it.
But this is not the end. This is the beginning. It take weeks, months of this to create anything different. People can live in this debilitating way for years without being motivated to end their lives. To change anything, for that matter. When you don’t have any motivation, the least resistive path is always the one taken.

But sometimes we do have this motivation. We sometimes have the energy to live and maintain a façade of normality. For me personally, one of two things can happen in this situation.

1. I bring myself out of it. I put into practice my experiences and knowledge in the best way. I think about my family and the people I love. I think about my future with them, and what I need to do to take me there.

Or 2. None of the above cross my mind.

If these things do not cross your mind, what you essentially have is a person with dark, deep depression but with motivation enough to act in a negative way. You have someone who may appear completely normal from the outside, is highly functional, but is in complete turmoil on the inside. Someone who may kill themselves.
From this point, it is entirely possible to be helped. The annoying thing is that if someone is in this state, it is very hard to decipher what they feel and what they need. They may appear normal to most, even happy. People in this state are there for a reason, however. It is because they have not been able to climb over their illness, such that pretence is their only option. This state is not an eternal equilibrium; it will eventually bring you down so low, it will be near impossible to get back up.

I was in this state for many years. I never used to smile. I hated talking to new people. My favourite days were when I was sick and could just lie in bed. I had the energy levels of someone 10x my age. People didn’t like me, they thought me odd and rude.

Because of this reaction, I learnt a tactic. I learnt how to fake emotion and pretend to be someone I was nothing like. It takes a lot of practice, but it is easy to regulate because you do it based on how others react to you.

By age 16, I was coming to an end. I wanted desperately to kill myself.
Now this is a little cultural note. I am from Britain. If I was American, I would have most likely killed myself. Why? Because the least scary way – the quickest and easiest – would have been using a gun. There is no way to go back and change your decision with a gun. There is no way for family to help you, unlike with pills or a knife. Just remember that.

By age 18 I was on fairly heavy medication. I came off aged 20, and nearly 2 years later I am still coping. This story is not unique. It is not inspiring at all, even if I were to tell it in full. There is nothing ‘amazing’ about having a part of your brain which is basically damaged. Lots of people have this problem.
What is amazing, and not just with me, is the fact my brain managed to essentially repair itself. After all that time being damaged, a part of me still wanted to be like everyone else. Smile and enjoy life, no matter what happens.

This was not easy though. I had to fight with myself in order for this to happen. Because there is another alleyway you can turn down from the motivated, depressed state. And sometimes, you are dragged back there. I still am sometimes, although not as badly. I have learnt some techniques to stop this from happening. But it still does. And one day, it may get too much.

I know I have a brain which will switch now and again to that state. I am always on the line and I probably always will be. One day, I will probably give in. Because there are some things which are inevitable in life. People dying is the main one. But for now, I am feeling ok. Not bad. And considering where I was 10 years ago, I feel great.

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I need a talk with you, screen.

It was damned nice today. The sun was up while I walked in to college and there were occasional piles of large hail stones, remnants from another storm I slept through. I looked up all the way there, smiled and thought ‘Today is going to be great, I believe it’

I shouldn’t have changed. Those days when looking down at the ground, and occasional dog mess, were better. The days where a day in bed was the only bearable activity. Ok I was miserable and depressed all the time, but at least I wasn’t an inane optimist. At least nothing shocked me. At least life didn’t mean anything.

I didn’t wake up one morning and love myself. I don’t because I don’t feel for myself that way. ‘It’s not me… it’s just me’ I do however love others. The only passion and love I feel is for my family, friends and girlfriend. But this is enough. The world has color now. A very dark hue.

But today something changed. I woke up, as I mentioned, and was literally excited. I have a cold, not the worst I’ve had, but the headaches are bad. Not phased a bit. All I could think about walking was the line from Austin powers Goldmember – ‘If you’ve got an issue, here’s a tissue’

Then my friend casually told me about the fast growing lump on his testicle he has ignored for months out of fear of doctors. My mind lit up for a few minutes. Ok testicular cancer, what do we know. Brain – GO!

Ok… Stigma, drugs exacerbate it, treatable, if left too late prognosis is basically death. My friend might die. Ok, not a good start to the day.Or the month. Or, if things are bad, the year. But I still have some control. I can drag him to the doctors, he still has a great chance – it probably isn’t even cancerous, and if it is he might still have a chance!

Despite every thought entering of the situation, I stayed positive. I worried, but I didn’t withdraw like I used to. I didn’t feel the sudden urge to write in a blog because my feelings were too difficult to express.

Then I get home. Well, I say home, more like lonely depressing hovel. But It could be worse. Tonight, it got worse. During my ‘happy hour’ (back to back comedies etc to keep me on an even keel) I got a call. Girlfriends dad is dying. I’ll spare the details but this man is amazing. And he has been through more in the past year than most have in a lifetime. And soon, perhaps very soon, he will die of something completely different.

I don’t know what the point of this is. There is no beginning, middle and end. I don’t like morals or stories. To be frank, they annoy me a great deal. Life is life, and this was a true little cross section of mine.

Have a nice day, laptop.